For over a year, I've felt a nudge to write these things. I wrote, then deleted. Wrote, then deleted. I've been nudged again to write but this time keep.
1. Last summer I was worn out from years of being sick all the time and missing out on life. One day in July, our kids went to an outdoor sculpture park together, but I stayed home feeling miserable with a raging migraine and sinus and stomach problems. After a while, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen table and began to write three lists on three index cards: doctors to start making appointments with who could help me fix all my health problems, tests and procedures I might need, and everything else I could do on my own to get healthier. I started making appointments right away with the top four specialists on my list, but the soonest I could see these doctors was a few months away. I didn't know I would get Covid a month later in August which would exacerbate all my health problems even worse. By late September, I was in real trouble and pretty scared for my life as I was gasping for air in between violent coughs. I went to same-day doctors twice and did two rounds of both steroids and antibiotics. I was so sick. Soon after, the doctor appointments with specialists I had set up months earlier began. I was so glad they were already in place when I needed them, and that I wasn't now making appointments for many months later. After diagnosis and treatment began, I looked back and realized those were the exact doctors and tests/procedures I needed that could start to fix me, in the order I had written them. I was able to cross off more doctors, tests, and procedures further down my list that I no longer needed.
2. When I was 17, I was told in a personal blessing that my body is strong. Even then, I was often sick, so I remember being skeptical and wondering at that wording. I certainly didn't feel strong then or ever since then. Last fall when I was extremely sick and feeling pretty frustrated with my weak body, one particularly hard day I heard the clear words, "Strong is different than healthy." I paused and heard it repeated again and again. I thought about it and realized it's true. I was never promised I would be healthy. I was told I was strong. All of a sudden, thoughts flooded me of all the times my body has been sick or had surgery or complications, and how many times it has pulled me through. I realized it really is strong. Not healthy, but strong. There's a difference. It gave me more confidence that my body will continue pulling me through more health problems until they're fixed or as good as I can get them.
3. I've long felt I let myself and others down by only having four kids. I wanted more, but my pregnancies/labors/recoveries were difficult and full of complications, I could not always take care of our family, and we lived so far away from any help. With Carson, it felt right that we were done, but it still made me sad to give up what I wanted. This past winter, again extremely sick as I was between medicines working, one day I heard the distinct words, "This is why." It came out of the blue, so I stopped and paid more attention. "This is why you only have four kids." I saw clearly that I could not have taken care of more, younger kids at this point, or at least not enough to do it well. I saw clearly that I had our kids young, at my healthiest time of my life, even though there were pregnancy/labor complications and miscarriage, and that health problems have hit harder ever since. And as I thought about those new ideas, I also clearly saw all the blessings of having just four kids for our family. Over and over, I was shown more and more reasons why four kids was right for us. And I could finally let go of the heaviness and sadness I've felt all these years because I could not have more kids. I could see how He knew what was right for our family all along.
4. Paige took this picture of our house on one of her first nights home this spring/summer. She was stargazing with Colby and Carson, and the moon beautifully shone through the clouds onto our house. The moment I saw it, I was hit strongly with a feeling that our home needs to be warm and light and calm and safe for our kids so they can recharge and feel rested from the world, and also ready to go back into the world. The intensity and urgency of that feeling shocked me, and I have not forgotten it.
